I have bought many clothes in the past couple of weeks. They are certainly things I do not need, but have wanted to have anyway. I don't know if I have been trying to combat some kind of a spiritual void with all this shopping, but let me tell you, if there is a void I need to fill, it sure ain't happening with a bunch of new clothes, because the more I buy, the more I want.
I don't actually even know why I feel so guilty about all this shopping. Sure, a lot of money has been spent on all sorts of random things, but it is not like I am bankcrupt. Maybe it is about a guilty conscience, that one should not award oneself with too many material goods if one hasn't somehow "earned" them, or maybe it is the influence of certain people in my life at various times who have been very careful with the way they spend money and the type of material possessions they invest in.
When I spend money on clothes, or even if I get them for free, it is a guilty pleasure. But why? Would I be a better person if I didn't have this many clothes? At what point did I start thinking that the material world is, or should be, somehow below me? Perhaps it is the same ancient pattern that connects men with reason and knowledge, and women with emotion and instinct. One doesn't need to be a rocket scientist to figure out why it is the women that feel guilty for buying a new pair of shoes, and not the men for spending a fortune on a new car. (And no, it is not about not needing the shoes but needing the car.)
The key word to everything around us is power: the power we have over ourselves and others, or even more so, the power someone else has, or has had, over us. I have had power over myself for a long time, but I still haven't learned to use it. I don't recognise it. I hide behind other people's perceptions, and act or feel accordingly. It is not that I, myself, feel guilty about the shopping, it is thinking what other people think that makes me feel ashamed. Perhaps recognising this and truly understanding the meaning of it will be a step towards something new and palpable in my life.
How great is it to have cats, in the midst of all this consumer confusion? All I have to do is to look at Illusia sleeping like this, and my mind is free of a big bunch of nonsense I think about all day long.